The Beauty Within

I’m reading this well-written blog called Shrink Talk by a psychologist in NYC. I think his posts are very insightful, and well.. this little advice/reasoning is just great. In one this post, he talks about how at weddings, people love giving advice to the newly married couple. One of the worst advice that people give is “Never go to Bed Angry,” and frankly, I agree with him. He writes:

“Never go to Bed Angry” puts an arbitrary time limit on how long a person can experience an emotion. While I never encourage clients to hold grudges, many emotions need to run their natural course. Suppressing or attempting to cut off common and potentially healthy emotions before they’ve been adequately experienced is a major mistake because the emotion doesn’t go away, it simply festers. Anger in and of itself is not bad: it is a signal that someone or something might be attempting to violate us or our rights, and if we handle this emotion properly, it’s not a problem. This problem of stopping anger within an arbitrary time limit is compounded for couples because “Never go to Bed Angry” forces two people to be ready to resolve a difficulty at the same time.

Here’s the rub: people generally don’t mind someone being angry at them or because of them. People are afraid of what that anger might mean. When our partner goes to bed or leaves the house in an angry state, it taps into our deep-seated fears of loss abandonment: what if this person leaves me for good? By forcing a “Never go to Bed Angry” rule, we can dupe ourselves into thinking that everything is okay once the lights go out. Not only is this false, it can actually create more conflict for many couples, because the feelings simply fester and build-up over time, rather than dissipating or worked through on their own. One of the biggest issues that many people in relationships face is how to sit with negative emotion, to just let it be, to not force your will on your partner, to not “fix it” before it’s ready to be addressed. Many couples need to understand that occasional arguments and conflict don’t translate to relationship instability and break-ups.

Now I’ve been with my man for over 7 years now, and a lot of people think we have an awesome relationship. Hell, I think we have an awesome relationship. Thing is, we DO fight awesome, and we DO stay angry at each other, go to bed, and wake up still ANGRY. The thing is, a fight is a fight. Anger is anger. Neither of us think that the other will get up and leave, which I guess, makes the emotion anger a bit less daunting. Whatever issue that caused the fight to begin will be resolved, either with us acknowledging that we perhaps did something wrong, or by getting to the real root of the problem.

I just thought about it because last week my hubby and I got into a fight, and I ranted to my coworker about it. She asked me a few days later, after I’ve completely forgot about the incident, if we were still fighting. She seemed generally concerned that I was angry at my hubby, and I didn’t get it. Now I understand.. I just have an open mind about being angry, and to me, being angry isn’t such a bad thing.

Now being numb… that’s just bad.. and unfortunately, there are people in this world that makes me feel numb. It’s unfortunate, but yes, it does happen.